Most men in today’s world experience a certain level of fear or anxiety at the mere thought of approaching a woman. Especially one that they find attractive. And those are exactly the women those men would like to meet.
I am one of those men, or at least I used to be…
Recently I listened to a lecture from a Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson, where he spoke about two ideas. The first one is that for millennia, many of the most popular stories teach us about “slaying our dragons” and that those dragons always guards some “gold”. It is a metaphor about the fact that every single time we want to achieve something really worthwhile in life, it is inevitable that in order to do so, we will have to face some of our deepest fears.
I the same speech Doctor Peterson mentioned that the best way to overcome the fear of talking to women is the so called exposure therapy, which works to eliminate fear by systematically exposing ourselves to its source.
Well, during one sunny, beautiful Friday afternoon I decided to go ahead and jump into it…
During said afternoon I approached around ten different girls around the Brno downtown and during the same evening I even boldly joined a completely strange group of six girls drinking in a pub, with whom I have spent a very interesting rest of the evening. During the following days I continued to randomly approach other girls, including confidently joining two other groups of girls sitting around in pubs. (These stories would make up small article by themselves.)
I began to see in practice what I’ve always suspected – that Czech girls do not bite and are in general very tolerant and friendly (assuming you approach them at least somewhat politely).
I decided it would be best to put this into practice in a really big way and positively reprogram my the way I feel about women by exposing myself to as many interaction with them as possible.
But where to begin, and how to make it most effective?
I realized that I’m actually quite interested in how the Czech girls themselves feel about this topic. I got the idea that I can actually use this curiosity to go out and ask the girl exactly that. I will learn something interesting and work on my confidence at the same time. Two birds, one stone! But to get an a idea is one thing, but to actually go ahead and do it is something different entirely…
However, few weeks after that, when a had a chat with one of my friends, he told me I was not the first to have this idea and one guy actually made it happen…
It was like a sign…
Martin Zákostelský, a blogger from Prague created exactly such a questionnaire and used the results to write a great article (Only in Czech). This article served as an inspiration for my own project. I decided that what he did at that time in Prague, I now will replicate in Brno. This is also why you will find certain similarities in structure between our articles. In order to later compare our data, I used the same questions as Martin did and added a few to enrich it.
I printed out tabs to write down the answers, and along with a clipboard, a pen, and a hefty amount of both excitement and anxiety I took to the streets of Brno… What then did I find about how Czech girls feel about being approached and what effect did this experience had on me?
It will be best if I start with describing how this whole polling worked…
The questionnaire was originally comprised of three questions, to which I very soon added another one:
- How frequently are you approached by strange guy in public? Estimate average number of approaches per month
- How do you feel about being approached? On a scale of 0 (Don’t like it.) to 10 (Love it!)
- What style or attitude of approach fells the best to you?
- Do you think that guys in Czech Republic should approach women more often?
As a rule I asked all the girls to give me their email if they wanted me to send them the article along with the results once it was finished.
I should add that with all girls that were in a group we agreed that only one of them will provide the email and share the article with the rest.
At the same time, for each approach I wrote down:
- Alone / Multiple girls
- Attractiveness (0-10, where 10 means most attractive)
- Approachableness (0-10, where 10 means most approachable)
- Friendliness (0-10, where 10 means most friendly)
For the highlighted traits it is important that I define them:
- Attractiveness – here it should suffice to say the attractiveness was subjective, which means from my personal point of view (mostly physical but personal traits had some effect also)
- Approachableness – how “approachable” the girl seemed be before I actually approached her – this means for example whether or not she was wearing headphones, whether she smiled, frowned or had a neutral expression or whether she looked like she was in a hurry
- Friendliness – for each girl I also rated the overall friendliness of our interaction – this means how open, helpful and overall friendly the girls were
Where did I do the approaches:
I stopped most of the girls right in the streets of downtown Brno, the rest was a mix of various place, for example benches in and around downtown, shopping malls, public transport, train station, etc.
Over the course of nine days I approached 221 women, most of them during four separates days where I approached around fifty girls each day.
The difference in my inner state between the first girl that I approached and the last was incredible, I will come back to that later in the article…
Just like Martin did, I will split my insights into three categories:
- The answers themselves and correlations between them
- What the girls were like during our interactions
- My own experience and my though processes
The amount of girls approached:
From 221 approached girls, around a third of them were in groups, usually two or three. I had no problem approached any group, no matter how large but interviewing groups of girls was quite a mess and I could see that many of them were sort of synchronizing their answers to the others in the group.
In total, only 12 girls refused the questionnaire, as a rule they seemed to be in a rush and that’s what they generally said as the excuse. Out of all those rejections, there was not a single one that I found to be rude.
Out of 221 approached girls, and awesome 209 of them were willing to talk to me and all of them answered all of my questions. Even most of those who were in a rush were still willing to talk when I told them I can walk with them.
What kind of girls have I approached
I was approaching girls approximately aged 15-35, but from my estimation the vast majority of them were 18-25. I did my best to mostly approach attractive young women, of which there is no lack here in Brno.
The two main reason I decided to approach beautiful girls was that, first, it increased my motivation and second – and this is the main reason, this article is mainly aimed at other young men who are still afraid to approach girls, and especially the most beautiful ones.
The average subjective attractiveness of girls that I approached was 7.06, in other words I generally approached good looking girls.
The average subjective approachableness was 5.08, I did my best to not let the approachableness decide whether or not I will go and approach any given girl. The results ended up being just on the edge of average, so not much to make of this statistic.
The average rating for how friendly the girls were ended up being and awesome 7.3, I rated the interaction to be slightly below average with only 4 out of 209 girls. And during the whole questionnaire I have not had a single negative interaction!
I had a huge advantage in being able to use Martin’s own experience, he soon found out that it is crucial to catch the girls attention within the first few seconds.
Therefore right from the beginning, I approached girls with the phrase:
“Hi! Look, I’m writing this article and a part of it is this short questionnaire. It’s related to approaching girls in public. Do you have a minute for three quick questions?”
I think that might be the reason I was so successful right from the start.
Question no. 1: How often are you approached by guys in public?
The girls reported being approached on average 0.9 times, therefore less than once a month.
From what I felt when the girls were answering this question, I honestly believe that this number might still be grossly exaggerated. For multiple different reasons:
- It’s possible that some of the girls who reported really high numbers, like 10 or 20 did not quite understand the questions or added some. But this is merely a speculation so I decided to keep those in.
- It is the case that sometimes the girls and I were rounding some of the numbers up. For example something like 2 approaches a a year were rounded up to something like 0.5 (a month) which might have further inflated the final average.
I deliberately started specifying to them that we are not talking about some random yelling like “nice tits!”, neither we are talking about catcalling, whistling or people who want something from them (salesmen, homeless asking for change, strangers asking for direction, etc.). I told them this was only about guys politely approaching them with the intention to meet them.
A very important insight – the girls were almost always caught off guard with this question, because almost every time it was apparent in their reaction that they immediately realized just how rarely something like that happens to them.
Because of this, I very soon learned that right after posing this question, I should immediately follow by telling them something like “And don’t be afraid to be ones, because as you can see here the answers from other girls, the average here in Czech Republic is close to zero.” The reaction to this were always something along the lines of the girl smiling and saying “Well that seems about right…” or, with a surprised voice: “That few? Really??” You could immediately see that how most of the girls quickly lost the pressure of feeling like they have to give some number, even though it pretty much never happens to them.
Nobody wants to feel like they are not wanted, therefore it was important to let the girls know that they are far from being the only one not being approached. And that the issue lies not as much with them as it does with us, guys who are afraid to approach them.
The typical answers right after I posed this question were along the lines of:
- “Oh well, I guess not at all…”
- “That maybe happens to me like once or twice a year, not a month”
As the statistic will show, the answers were pretty much the same even with the most beautiful women.
So, how did final numbers turn out?
In the following graph, we can see that 61% of girls were on average not even approached once a month, 29 % were approached once or twice a month and remaining 10% were approached more than twice a month.
Question no. 2 How do you like being approached?
I always defined this question in a way that the girls who have been approached before answered by their experience. Whereas those girls who have never been approached answered how they think they would feel about being approached by a guy. As a rule I told all girls to base their answer on polite approaches, I.e. not catcalling etc..
On average, the girls rated approaching on a scale from 1 to 10 as 5.6, therefore rather positively. Those who rated the approaching as being more positive generally agreed with me that even if they were not interested, they would at least take it as a compliment.
The following section of the article is a table listing all the correlations between different statistics from the questionnaire.
Feel free to go ahead and skip it if you don’t find it interesting but I strongly recommend you check out the “Attractiveness vs. number of approaches” part which I highlighted in green as this correlation is particularly interesting.
Question no. 3: What type of approach or what kind of attitude from a guy do you feel is the best?
In order for the process to flow faster I decided to give the girls three basic option to answer, but always made sure to mention they can add anything of their own. The vast majority of the girls did just choose one of the options though.
- Casual approach – for example “Hi, I like you and…” or “Hi, are you a student?” etc., pretty much any form of a direct, polite approach
- Funny approach – any approach with a bit of humor that might make the girl laugh
- A compliment
As we can see in the graph below, the vast majority of girls chose either a casual or a funny approach, surprisingly few girls went for a compliment.
The number of unique answers, such as “natural”, “a bit brash” or “original” was so low that I decided to just put them under “Casual” for simplicity. Let us take a look at a few interesting insights regarding the top two answers.
- Several times I asked the girls why not a compliment? The most commont sentiment was along the lines “The guy doesn’t even know me yet and already wants to praise me?”
- The girls often picked this option because it covers many things
- Casual approach comes off as not forced and natural
- Out of curiosity, I started asking the girls who preferred a funny approach “Funny? Well, that’s easy to say, but how does one go about it?”
- Pretty much none of the girls had a straight answer, most of them then quickly admitted that we, the guys, got it pretty rough in this sense. On the other hand, when a guy actually pulls a funny approach and makes the girl smile right off the bat, it really does say something about him.
- This means that such a guy immediately gets some bonus points for humor, creativity and perhaps intelligence
- I started casually presenting the girls with some examples and as a rule they agreed that it’s important that a humorous approach feels natural and not forced, like pointing out something funny in the environment, for example:
“Hey, do you see that “statue”? Does it look like a dildo to you? Who the hell would put a huge black dildo in the middle of a square?” (This is a reference to this piece of a modern “art” in the Brno center, don’t ask….) Of course, this is just a bad example, but it’s about the point that a funny approach should feel natural. Not like for example just coming up to a girl and start telling her a joke right off the bat. Even though even that might work with some girls, I will address this later in the article.
Aside from signaling intelligence and creativity I want to point out another reason why I believe humor is so useful in these types of situations. Today we know that from an evolutionary point of view, humor, among other things, plays one important role – and that is dissolving tension and anxiety. Whether we want it or not, and even in the case when the interaction goes fairly well. Unexpected interactions with strangers evoke a certain amount of uncertainty and tension, and humor is very effective at breaking those.
In other words, a girl that laughs or smiles will not be so anxious anymore.
Question no. 4: Do you think that guys here in Czech Republic should approach girls more often?
Let me specify exactly the way I posed this question:
“Do you think that the guys here in Czech Republic should approach girls in public more often, less often or do you think it’s just fine as it is now?”
As a rule I added: “Considering it will be in a polite way!”.
I divided the answers into for groups:
- A clear Yes, more – for example when the girls immediately said “Yes.” or something along the lines of “I definitely think they should.” etc.
- I think more – when the girl took a few second to think and then said something like “I guess more, or something along the lines of “I think they should do it more often”.
- Neutral – when the girl said something like it’s OK the way it is now
- Less – when the girl said the guys should approach less or even not at all
Two thirds of the girls answered that guys should approach more often, about one third think that it’s OK the way it is now and less that 2% think that guys should approach less. One of the common reason the girls mentioned in defense of approaching is that it’s usually better than the internet a social media, which tend to be very impersonal and that the face to face contacts is what’s really missing these days.
A few experiences “from the action” and what should the guys reading this take from it
I told all the girls that there will be only three questions, but that wasn’t quite the truth…
In order to gain as much experience as possible during the whole thing, I created sort of a routine in order to try out a few little things, I repeated this routing during almost all of the interaction and went on to watch how the girls will react. The first one was that instead of saying right out front that there will be three questions, I told them there will be only three and after they answered the third one, I quickly hit them with: “And now, for the last, BONUS question!” But it’s more about the WAY I said it.
I always said it in sort of a theatrical style, as if I was a late night telemarketer guy promising you yet another steak knife set of you only call right now! At the same time a made some big, funny gesture like a big hand wave or turning the clipboard. Pretty much every single girl smiled and the reaction were always positive. It was quite surprising to me just how universally positively the girls reacted to this. It became obvious that spicing things up and making the interaction more lively, even just a little bit, is always better than just being monotonous and that every girls appreciates even that small stupid spontaneity rather than keeping it safe and formal.
Another “routine” was that after some point, I started asking all the girls who said they prefered a funny approach the question: “Well, that’s easier said than done, but how does one go about it?” Then I followed by purposefully giving the a humorously bad example… I always leaned towards the girl, gently touched her on the arms and said:
“I guess it’s not the ideal way to just approach a girl
*with smile, I lean towards the girl and touch her arm*
and tell her: ‘Hey! You heard the one about Stalin?’, right?”
What is the point? Just like with the previous example, all the girls smiled after this, and naturally agreed that this is not what they meant by a funny approach and that it should feel more casual. Of course, every interaction I had with the girls was unique and most of the things I did or said were spontaneous. The point of having these routines was to prove that spicing up the interaction always helps and beats being boring and robotic when talking to girls. The girls wanna have some fun too!
Aside from all this, talking to completely strange girls became a natural and quite pleasant for me. Almost all the anxiety disappeared and already after the first few dozens of approaches I began to walk up to the girls with excitement and confidence. Likewise, the fear or rejection went away, who cares if a girl rejects you, for each one of these there are twenty more who are friendly and willing to talk!
At the beginning, I had to push myself to go out and do this, but by the end I started missing talking to the girls whenever I went out without the questionnaire. Let me remind you, that just like most men, it was very recently that I still saw talking to girls like this almost unthinkable. When one is willing to face their fears head on, it’s completely fasinating just how quickly the will dissolve.
Interesting points from the action:
- I had a great talk with many of the girls and groups of girls, with us sometimes talking for over half an hour and having a great time
- During the questionnaire I liked 5 of the girls so much that I asked for their number
- As it was coming towards the end, I asked about 5 more, this time just to get over the fear of rejection
- Out of about 10 tries I got 2 phone numbers; spoiler alert – didn’t lead to anything
- I managed to pet 8 dogs during the course of this
- I also received one pen from a girl when mine finally ran out of ink
Few concrete experiences:
- I began chatting with one beautiful and smart girl on a bench and she told me something interesting: apparently she was glad that I was actually there to ask her some questions and wanted to genuinely know what she thinks. Her previous experience was that a good looking, well dressed guy came up to her with a similar, but fake questionnaire and very quickly started touching her and tried to (unsuccessfully) seduce her. All while a close behind him there a guy who looked like “student” of his, who was there to “see how it’s done”.
- In a shopping mall I was getting answers from this beautiful readhead girl. Quickly after I told her about the fourth, BONUS question, she excitedly replied (loosely translated) “Come in me!”. This woke up my inner 12 year old… I froze for a solid 5 seconds and started grinning stupidly, it did not help that she started laughing and at that moment I literally somehow forgot the fourth question that I’ve been asking dozens of girls right before. After a few moments of laughter we both regained our composure, finished that last questions and left. The next few hours I kept telling myself I should’ve asked for her number…
I’m writing this part of the article a few months after finishing the questionnaire, therefore I’m better equipped to sum up what influence this whole experience had on my self-development.
- I’m incomparably less anxious when approaching any girl or even a group of girls
- Whenever I feel like approaching a girl for whatever reason (or strangers in general), I have no problems going ahead
- I’m overall much better at talking to girls, what I mean is I enjoy it far more and girls react to me far better than before I did this
- Not just in public, but also in any sort of social setting and events I’m far more open to talking to new girls
- I’m overall noticeably more social and confident
To all the guys who are reading this and still feels the same anxiety and doubt when it comes to approaching women I cannot recommend enough that you do something like this!
Get out of you comfort zone and slay your dragons, it’s fucking worth it!
To sum up all of this, what lessons should we take from all of this?
- Girls, (at least the Czech ones) are generally very nice and friendly, despite that they are very rarely approached
- The girls therefore spend a big part of their youth alone, waiting to get lucky, same as they guys too afraid to come up to them, say “Hi!” and see how it goes
- Guys, if you try to approach and it doesn’t work out every time, the girls won’t be mad, they won’t embarrass you and they don’t bite/ Each such experience, whether good or bad will move you forward.
- Girls, most guys will never approach you, not because you are not beautiful not or smiling enough, it’s simply because their fear of rejection. If you don’t just wanna sit around and wait, go ahead and approach they guy that you like!
- For each girl approached the fear diminishes, and very soon there will be nothing left of it!
The main goal of this article is so that as many guys as possible get out of their comfort zone, stop being afraid of girls and don’t wait for them to fall into their lap!